Beware the Mall Zombie
By Kelly Boyce
Christmas is fast approaching. And when I say fast – I mean in the speeding-locomotive-head-on-collision-that-you-can’t-avoid kind of way. For someone as organized as I am, this shouldn’t be any cause for alarm. I generally have all of my shopping completed by the end of October, because come November I don’t want to be anywhere near a mall, and I’ll tell you why.
Because that is when the mall zombies come out.
You know what I’m talking about. Those people who up until holiday season are perfectly normal individuals. Sweet, docile, fun loving humans who wouldn’t hurt a fly. But at midnight on All Hallow’s Eve, something happens. I’m not sure what. I don’t know if there is a ritual sacrifice or just baying at the moon, but when November 1st dawns suddenly normally sweet, docile, fun loving individuals set foot inside a mall and become something out of a Stephen King novel. They’re like hockey moms on a lethal combination of steroids and methamphetamines. And I grew up in a hockey town, so I know what I’m talking about. That red-rimmed, glazed eye kill-you-rather-than-walk-around-you look that tells you your days – make that your minutes – are numbered.
Mall zombies. You may think you’re immune, but if you go into the malls after October 31st, there is a strong possibility they’ll infect you and the next thing you know, you’ve joined their ranks. Wide-eyed, frothing at the mouth, twitchy – it’s not a pretty sight.
So here is my holiday gift to you:
Kelly’s 5-step survival guide for mall shopping during the Merry Ho Ho Season
1) Make a list of what you need and which store you can find each item. This is what I call kamikaze shopping. Get in, get out. Minimal exposure. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.
2) Go early. If the mall opens at 8 am, be there by 7:55 am. If there is already a huge line-up, leave. Mall zombies love crowds. They’ll be lurking waiting to pounce once the doors open and hoards of you try to jam through a small opening.
3) Avoid Midnight Madness. It comes by its name honestly. There are plenty of better ways to spend your evening. Hand-gliding comes to mind. Baiting shark chum, even.
4) Do all your shopping during weekdays. Go before work, after work, take a day off, but never - and I can’t stress this enough – never go on Saturday or Sunday, especially from mid-morning to late afternoon. It’s like the day-time version of Midnight Madness. ‘Nuff said.
5) Books make wonderful gifts. You can order them on-line at Chapters, Barnes & Noble, Borders or Amazon. They arrive at your door. Not a mall zombie in sight.
Hope everyone has a very safe, zen-like and zombie-free holiday!
Christmas is fast approaching. And when I say fast – I mean in the speeding-locomotive-head-on-collision-that-you-can’t-avoid kind of way. For someone as organized as I am, this shouldn’t be any cause for alarm. I generally have all of my shopping completed by the end of October, because come November I don’t want to be anywhere near a mall, and I’ll tell you why.
Because that is when the mall zombies come out.
You know what I’m talking about. Those people who up until holiday season are perfectly normal individuals. Sweet, docile, fun loving humans who wouldn’t hurt a fly. But at midnight on All Hallow’s Eve, something happens. I’m not sure what. I don’t know if there is a ritual sacrifice or just baying at the moon, but when November 1st dawns suddenly normally sweet, docile, fun loving individuals set foot inside a mall and become something out of a Stephen King novel. They’re like hockey moms on a lethal combination of steroids and methamphetamines. And I grew up in a hockey town, so I know what I’m talking about. That red-rimmed, glazed eye kill-you-rather-than-walk-around-you look that tells you your days – make that your minutes – are numbered.
Mall zombies. You may think you’re immune, but if you go into the malls after October 31st, there is a strong possibility they’ll infect you and the next thing you know, you’ve joined their ranks. Wide-eyed, frothing at the mouth, twitchy – it’s not a pretty sight.
So here is my holiday gift to you:
Kelly’s 5-step survival guide for mall shopping during the Merry Ho Ho Season
1) Make a list of what you need and which store you can find each item. This is what I call kamikaze shopping. Get in, get out. Minimal exposure. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.
2) Go early. If the mall opens at 8 am, be there by 7:55 am. If there is already a huge line-up, leave. Mall zombies love crowds. They’ll be lurking waiting to pounce once the doors open and hoards of you try to jam through a small opening.
3) Avoid Midnight Madness. It comes by its name honestly. There are plenty of better ways to spend your evening. Hand-gliding comes to mind. Baiting shark chum, even.
4) Do all your shopping during weekdays. Go before work, after work, take a day off, but never - and I can’t stress this enough – never go on Saturday or Sunday, especially from mid-morning to late afternoon. It’s like the day-time version of Midnight Madness. ‘Nuff said.
5) Books make wonderful gifts. You can order them on-line at Chapters, Barnes & Noble, Borders or Amazon. They arrive at your door. Not a mall zombie in sight.
Hope everyone has a very safe, zen-like and zombie-free holiday!
My husband wants to go to the mall later this week. I had hoped to avoid it at all costs. He better have a really good lunch plan in place for me! Mall Zombies-- *snicker*
ReplyDeleteFun post Kelly! I completely agree with you - I can't tell you the number of times people have "bumped" into me in malls during the Christmas shopping season. And what's worse is they don't even apologise. Sheesh! And you can shop online - absolutely!
ReplyDeleteOr better yet - keep your eyes open throughout the year - imagine that - being a smart shopper! ;) Thanks for the advice.
I haven't been to the mall this season. I might go this week just to look at the decorations. I'm never done shopping. Ever. I'm out there on the 24th getting that last item.
ReplyDeleteThanks for a really funny and poignant post Kelly!
ReplyDeleteActually, here in NYC we are kinda devoid of malls, but we do have another garden variety of zombies - the Department Store Zombie, or DSZ.
Always appearing normal on the outside, yet completely and utterly possessed on the inside, they are sneaky and can make a crazed lunatic out of everyone they come in contact with, even the Dalai Lama. As far as I'm concerned, a simple 'excuse me' while trying to bum-bump me to the other side of the sale rack is what typically infects me into becoming a DSZ, just in time for Christmas Eve...
But joking aside, this made me laugh out loud. Particularly your list of suggestions and the meditating chick image at the end of the piece!
Very amusing and oh-so-true!
ReplyDeleteLoved it, Kelly! Especially as someone who hates shopping on any occasion. Online all the way, ho ho ho. That pic of the zombies pressed against the window is priceless!
ReplyDelete