Is it Undignified to Waddle?

By Nana Malone

Picture this, Sicily, 1946….Okay, so I’m not exactly Sofia from the Golden Girls, but as I waddle and roll into my eight month of pregnancy, I find I have a few words to share….

To the kindly woman at the grocery store….I know my belly has the gravitational pull of Saturn. Yes, I understand that I vaguely resemble an alien being and you almost can’t help yourself. Nevertheless, I must ask that you refrain from touching my ever growing bump. I promise you won’t like it if I have to go all Buffy on your well meaning though cruising for a bruising behind. While we’re at it, I’m going to ask you to refrain from squealing too. It’s loud and it’s piercing and it frightens the little one in my belly.

To the teller at the bank, I know you mean well, but I can do without the unsolicited advice, especially when it’s clear I’m in a hurry. Of course you have a sister, mother, friend who insists a glass of wine daily is good for the baby, or bourbon in the breast milk will help baby sleep. Unless your name is Doctor Bank Teller, I don’t want to hear it. And you are likely to earn yourself an annoyed look. I’m very capable of asking when I want advice and heavens knows I'll need it, but probably from mama or someone who spent a whole bunch of years in school learning all about babies.

And finally, your opinion on my baby’s name, or my reluctance to share it, while interesting, is highly irrelevant. I know you would love to offer up your name as an option or tell me how you’ve always loved the name Peyton, or Apple, or Snuffleupagus. I know this will sound harsh, and I’m sorry, but I, Don’t, Care. Yes, that’s right, I said it. I. Don’t. Care. It has to be said. When you have your baby, you can name her/him whatever you like. Stop stealing my baby naming thunder. If my heart is set on naming my baby Stripper Devine or Alien Baby, your opinion doesn’t matter. Mommy, I hate to say this, but this means you too.

The constantly kicking alien parasite inside my stomach reminds me hourly that in about two months or so, my life is going to undergo a ginormous change. Some changes, I’ll probably love, like the anticipated smiles and giggles and baby smell, cause, let’s face it, who doesn’t love that smell? Some changes, I can probably do without, like the sleepless nights, incessant crying and changes to my body, cause I’m keeping it real, I’m vain enough to care. But all in all I’m up for the adventure and I can’t wait. I just hope I get to do it in style, wearing a fabulous pair of

Christian Louboutins and riding in a Bugatti Veyron.

Pictures courtesy of www.fantasymagazine.it, www.fashionkitten.com, www.shootfortheedit.com.