No. Seriously. My Eyes Are Up Here……

by Nana Malone

Can anyone explain to me why my new daughter spends more time staring at my breasts than my face? Of all the wonders of pregnancy and motherhood, there are many I wish I’d been better prepared for. As a self proclaimed nerd, I read all the books and forced poor hubby to read all the articles I could find on the “best” way to prepare. I had a birth plan, I knew what I wanted. I was ready.

Yeah right.

1. I wish I’d known that you’re actually pregnant for 10 months not 9 months as everyone says

I was bamboozled. Hoodwinked. Now, yes, I could have done the math with the forty weeks. But it’s not something you think about when you find out you’re pregnant.

2. I wish I’d known that my daughter and my husband would now spend equal time staring at my boobs

For the first several weeks, I would walk into the room and my beautiful daughter would fixate on my boobs. Here’s how it goes, I walk in, Siaki stares at my boobs, then if I’m not quick enough, she’ll bring those baby browns up to look into mine, as if to say “You’re going to feed me now right?” Then resume staring at my boobs. Sigh.

3. I wish I’d known that I’d worry about everything..

Literally everything, from baby’s head size, to how much baby is pooping, to EVERY single sound baby makes.

4. I wish I’d known that those nosy busybodies who offered their unsolicited advice while I was pregnant would now offer judgmental unsolicited advice about parenting, even if they have no children or arent’ teachers.

If I hear one more time, “Well if you want to do it that way…but I heard it’s really best….” You might hear a news story about how an African woman murdered an unsolicited advice giver.

5. I wish I’d known that those insane fools who thought it appropriate to touch my belly while I was pregnant now think it’s appropriate to touch my baby with their unsanitized hands

What the what??? Don’t act like I’m insane because I make you sanitize. Don’t think I’m crazy If I don’t let you touch my child.

6. I wish I’d known men would spend an awkward amount of time asking me about my sex life or about my boobs.

Don’t men realize that by asking how long we were trying, for the baby they’ve in effect asked me how long hubby and I were going at it like bunnies? It’s honestly a very weird thing to have random men ask me how breastfeeding is going and If I’m having any nipple pain, how long she feeds etc. Seriously, my boobs are none of your concern.

7. I wish I’d known that my husband would make such an excellent father.

Honestly, I knew this. But he’s been incredible. He was made to be a father.

8. I wish I’d known that labor would be so unbelievably gnarly.

I would ask my friends with children what contractions felt like. Those heifers would give me some fluffy response like “Oh you’ll know.” I call BS. They knew, they just didn’t want to tell me. Look. That was the most horrific pain I’ve ever felt and you’re talking to someone who’s broken bones and torn muscles. If any of you want to know the real skinny, give me a call.

9. I wish I’d known that there would be projectile poop.

No, seriously? No one could have offered a heads up? We’ve had poop on the wall, poop on me, poop on the poor dog. Now, poor puppy Onyx hears a poop and goes running for her crate.

10. I wish I’d known that writing and plotting would be something I did in the shower, while I did the dishes, or madly dashing off lines in the hour my daughter chooses to nap.

If I’d known the things I know now, would it have changed anything. Not on your life.

But I would probably have had a onesie made that said “Seriously, my mommy knows Krav Maga. Touch me at your own peril.”